There are times that I am on top of the world and other times that I am not. It's invigorating to go through business with the high's and lows. The fear. You have to have the fear, if you don't there isn't anything to fight for or to want.
I have learned so much in this 4 years - mainly about relationships. All sorts of relationships - I have had to swallow my pride, bite my tongue, explain things that under normal circumstances I might just walk away because it's difficult or too hard.
I have often wondered why people tell me that I am easy to talk to - they have no idea why they are telling me what they are telling me - other than I am a good listener. I like it. I didn't used to be. My friends used to tell me that I never listened - or talked too much about me. So I worked at it and reversed the role. I listen now - but I still mess up in my personal life and perhaps even dating. I say or do the wrong things - I worry, I assist so many people in realizing their dreams I wonder if I am meant to have anyone special to me. That's just mine, that's private and special. Or if I am meant to be there for others, to listen and understand and that fulfills my life. I worry and I wonder.
I wonder what might be in store for me next. I am on a rapid growth train, I have one of the most exciting meetings today with a new client and on Friday I will probably hire an intern that has wanted to work for me since June.
I spent the morning walking and running through downtown - missing Modena. No matter how much time has passed, I still miss her, still don't understand why it happened, and why it happened to me. It taught me - 6 months ago about unconditional love. But 6 months later I am trying to remember what that is - what it means and how I can pass that unconditional love to someone that wants to be in my life. Million dollar question - does someone want to be in my life or just hang out on the outside - having fun but never more. Is it a business asset that they want to use me or is it real? Talk about a personal blog. I have to clear my head.
Big day and big week. A lot of people are relying on me and I am relying on one too. It's not the end of the world to not love - but oh how I miss being in love. Being 19 and fearless and jumping head first in to the pool of messy dating and love and mistakes and just going for it. I jumped off that entrepreneurial cliff 4 years ago - with fear so big in my heart it made me fearless and yet, there is still a small hole in my heart that needs filling up.
As I listen to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata I am woken up out of my pitty party, my me party and am back to knowing I have to get to work and get projects done. Push aside the little things and open my heart to the big things. My fortune cookie told me that I needed to slow down - happiness was trying to catch me. I guess I just need to slow down.
To success,
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